One of "those" nights

I never ask, why me? Why does my son have autism? I'm not sure if it's because I am that selfless, or more realistically, because I don't want to know the answer. I know I said in a previous blog entry that I let go of some if the guilt I had like I did something to cause Brogans autism. "Some" being the operative word here. I love my son more than I ever thought I could love anything in this world. He taught me more in his first few years if life than I learned in 20 years of mine. I love him so much that it makes me sick to think I could have done something different so he wouldn't have these struggles. Today he kept telling me he loved me, which is such a gift from him. He's so amazing. Still, it's a hard job, being a mom and having an autistic child is challenging. As I write this I can barely see because I've been just crying. Crying because I feel like a shitty mom for saying that and crying because I wish I was a better mom and feeling like a complete ass hat for having a total pity party for myself. I don't want him to struggle anymore! I want to help him, I want to fix him, I want to make him have an easier time. I don't want him to go through all this. I had the worlds shittist childhood, I want my kids to have the moon and stars and not have struggles like this. I want to see him succeed in life. I want to have play dates without screaming, drop him off places without being so worried, I want his peers to look at him like he's this amazing kid and not look puzzled, like they do now. Man I wish I could keep this all inside I feel very shitty for admitting all this. But I needed to vent. It's been a tough couple of months. Thank goodness school is out for the summer. We needed a break for sure.